my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
