you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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