Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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