Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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