I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
