they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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