Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
