Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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