I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
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I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
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We have your weave and dirt in our room.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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