i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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