Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
