If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
