I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
