i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Randomize
