Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
