My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
