would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
