I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
