your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
