they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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