I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
