My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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