It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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