I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
