I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
