I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
