A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
