Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
