Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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