I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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