I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
