Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
