i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
