a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
