im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How external is "for external use only"?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
