If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
