miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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