my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
