The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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