just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.