My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha