After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass