I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.