So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.