Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
