she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
