Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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