im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
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I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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