It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
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There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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