We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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