pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
