Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
