textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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