If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
