You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
