she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
