i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I need to stop coming to work sober
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
