As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
