My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
ttyl tear gas
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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