Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
