What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
