Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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