apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
