I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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